(caution, beginning of meltdown)
Hey Tumblr, I almost forgot about you.
But since I don’t have time to hire a therapist, venting my frustrations here will have to do.
The new school year begins with the usual feeling of overcommitment, saying yes to too many things and generally feeling freaked out and all-over-the-place. Things that are currently stressing me out include, in no particular order:
- Internship. The work is fascinating and the people are great to work with, but for some reason it feels like a daily battle to prove to my boss that I’m not a complete moron. In all honesty, this internship has been challenging (in a good way!) because I’ve never done some of this stuff before. And I’m learning a lot. However, that doesn’t seem to be good enough for my boss, and to be fair, she’s partially right - I shouldn’t be fucking up on simple shit. But trying to impress her day in and day out doesn’t seem to have any impact - she generally doesn’t seem to trust me or enjoy working with me. She also just doesn’t seem to like me in general. Which makes me feel intimidated by her, and makes me feel nervous around her. And maybe she picks up on that nervousness and thinks I’m a moron. I don’t know. Starting from our first couple of weeks working together it seems like she’s developed a bad impression of me, and she uses this confirmation bias to consistently pick out shit about me which confirms her bad impression. So all of this basically boils down to the fact that she doesn’t seem likely to give the big boss a green light to offer me a full-time position. Which leads to my next stressor…
- Post-Graduation Job Hunt. The plus of going to a strong university is that employers interview for highly-coveted positions in September/October, but the downside of this is that applying for positions is not as easy as submitting a cover letter/resume through the online job portal and being done with it. It’s a whole fucking song and dance. Let’s further explore the torture I’m choosing to subject myself to.
Consulting Positions: These are the sexy, glamorous, highest paying and most prestigious consulting firms that recruit from my school. The application process for these firms is a fucking time-suck, and is a feat in and of itself. First, you have to take the time to practice for the interview before you even apply for the job, because they ask you brain teaser questions like “how many gas stations are there in America?” and you have to master the art of eloquent, structured pulling-shit-out-of-your-ass. Next, you have to network your ass off, and organize coffee chats with these current consultants to butter them up and be soooooo interested in their firm aka let them know you’re willing to offer several pounds of flesh for a shot at their firm. And then, you have to attend their stupid informational sessions where you continue the ass-kissing, while one-upping your classmates and making sure to be memorable and charming and all that shit. And then you fiiinally apply to their firm, go through the brain teaser interviews and then yada yada yada. My issue? First of all the info sessions are scheduled during my internship, and it’s not like I can be like oh hey boss, can I skip out on work so I can attend an info sesh? K cool bye!. Second, what the fuck is the point of doing all this case interview prep if I am not even going to get an interview because I haven’t attended sessions?
Fellowships. 1 year job in a hospital. Coveted, prestigious, etc but you need to send them a personal statement and the whole 9 yards, while also offering pounds of flesh AND you need letters of rec offering pounds of flesh. I basically had to go through the super fucking awkward experience of asking my boss to write a LOR and while she said yes, she made a little comment saying “those fellowships are extremely competitive”. Well, fuck you too! Great. Just great. Am I shooting both my feet off? Probably. But real talk though, if your least desirable outcome is hiring me onto your team, the least you could do is at least write a LOR for me so that I’m not unemployed.
- School. Oh yeah. That.
- Running a Student Org. Ok. So this area seems to feel like the area where I have a little more control than the other two areas. But being President isn’t an easy job. Maybe because I suck at saying no to things, or because I suck at delegating, or I’m a minor control freak and would rather do things myself if other people aren’t going to do them on time or in a particular way. Or it’s because I’ve decided I want to expand the org and bring in some high profile speakers and really challenge students to consider areas that they may not have considered before. I dunno. It’s one of the things. And it’s another thing sucking up my time and sanity but on the plus side, it’s really whittling my leadership skills and kicking my ass into Sheryl Sandberg shape.
So there ya have it folks. If I’m antisocial or cranky or stressed or look like I’ve aged 10 years this fall, there are the wonderful reasons why. I can only hope and wish and pray that all this stress results in a job. Hopefully in the Bay Area, because I am homesick as fuck and while I dreamed about living in NYC for years and years on end, being here stresses me out. I’ve met some cool folks, but for the most part everyone only looks out for themselves and it’s pretty sad.
We’ll see where the next few months take me, but I’m hoping that my job search, tendency to overcommit and my overly ambitious self will result in a great job at an organization that does cool shit. Ideally on the West Coast.
(end of meltdown)